Mothers Day

So, Mothers Day is coming up this Sunday, and I still don't know what to do for my Mom, or Greg's Mom. I'm sure that we'll figure something out by Sunday. Anyway, my Mom has always hated Mothers Day. She hates it so much, she has been known to stay home from church because "...I don't want to go and hear how wonderful everyone else's mothers are. I hate feeling like a failure!" As a kid I started to hate mothers day, because of how my Mom felt about it. As a Mom, I can understand why she hates it so much. I had to speak in church on Mothers Day last year and I said: I don't want this talk to make all the mothers here want to throw themselves into on coming traffic on I-15.

A couple of nights ago, I told Greg that I don't want him or the kids to get me anything for Mothers Day. Greg got mad at me and told me that I do this every year, and he hates it! And it's too late, he already has my gift. I don't really think he understood why I feel this way. Being sick for the last few months, I'm not doing anything that I should be thanked for. I get up and try to help the kids get ready for school, but other than doing Kolbie's hair, they can pretty much take care of themselves. By the time that they get home, I'm feeling so crappy that I'm useless. I can't even drive my kids to their practices and games. Greg makes dinner, does the laundry, and helps with homework. I think that maybe we should buy Greg a gift for Mothers Day since he's being both Dad and Mom lately.

I've never felt like I've been a good Mom. As a kid, I didn't think I wanted children. I hated babysitting, and I have a hard time with other peoples children. Most of the time I just feel uncomfortable around kids. But when I had Chris, I feel in love. I truly love all of my kids. I think that they are amazing. I carry allot of guilt about the kind of Mother I am. I have a friend, that I am so jealous of, she's the kind of Mom that I always hoped I'd be. Everything, and I do mean everything in her life revolves around her kids. I am the most selfish person I know. But I try hard. I think that we are blessed for our attempts as much as our successes. I don't know, maybe all moms feel like they don't measure up.

Anyway, I'm really not looking forward to Mothers Day this year. I don't feel like I deserve a gift this year. I wish we could just forget the whole thing. I recently told my Dad how I felt about Mothers Day. He says that just the fact that I'm here is enough. He said: You talk to your kids, you answer questions, you read with Kolbie, you make sure they do their chores, and your at almost all of their ball games. You don't get up and move around allot, but you sure do cheer loud. That's enough, the kids know that your sick. I know that I'm there for my kids to help them with as much as I can, but is that really enough?