Today was one of those days that we all hate, nothing goes right and things get rough.
I've been in so much pain lately I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in I don't know how long, so I spent the night tossing and turning. I also woke up about every 30 minutes, I finally fell into a deeper sleep about 4:30. But we had to wake up early so Greg and I could take Chris to the doctor.
The high point of the day was that Greg took the day off to drive me all over the valley.
We dropped Chris off at school, and went home for a little while. I took a much needed nap. Then we were off to another doctors appointment, this time for me.
SIDENOTE: About a month ago I got a letter from the Department of Public Safety, saying that I needed to get my doctor to sign off so I wouldn't lose my drivers license. This really upset me, because if you know me, you know that I haven't been driving because of the medication that the doctor has me taking.
Well, I went to my first doctors appointment, so that my family doctor could sign-off on his portion of the ever important form the government sent me. I haven't seen this doctor for a few months and had to get him up to speed on my circumstances. He, of course, was very concerned about me taking pain medication. We talked about this. For those of you who don't know, I've struggled with addiction to pain medication. We informed him of the things that we do to prevent me from relapsing, and he was very happy with our decisions.
We left his office we stopped at my favorite stitching store so I could get a few supplies to complete my current project -- a Haunted House.
Then we went to the office of my pain doctor. I was just going to drop of the form that he needs to sign, but asked if he could fit us in because I needed an adjustment of my medication, he had time and this is where the day went down the toilet. Greg had never met Dr. Talbott and him talked for a while about my circumstances, sometimes I felt like they forgot that I was sitting there next to them. The main thing that we discussed was my medication. To be clear: I have severe chronic pain. The theory is that all my kidney stones, and all the procedures to remove them caused nerve damage in my back, I am always in allot of pain. The doctor had some concerns about my meds. He asked me how I felt about things and then it all came out. I started crying. I hate that!! When you start to cry and you don't want to cry because you'll look like an idiot, and you do anything you can to not cry, but you do anyway. I just couldn't hold it in any more. People ask me every day how I'm doing, and I always say the same thing: I'm doing okay. NEWSFLASH: I'm not doing okay. I'm alone all the time. My house is a mess and my laundry is getting behind again, because I'm in so much pain that if I do clean my house I'll be down in bed for at least 2 days. I'm alone all the time. I have to rely on other people to help me get my kids where they need to be (ball practice and games). My husband is killing himself trying to get as much done as he can. I feel ignored by most of the people around me, my friends, my ward, and my family. I firmly believe that when Greg looks at me now, all he sees is a problem, not a friend. I can't sleep and I'm depressed. I'm terrified of the procedures the doctor has to do to try and get this under control, (if this procedure doesn't work on Friday the next procedure down the line almost makes me pass out when I think about it) but I don't have any other option. I'm scared to go back to work, because I don't know if I can do my job anymore. I'm scared to stop taking these meds because of the withdrawals that come with it. Basically: I am scared. I don't know what to do or even who to ask for help. I'm depressed and lonely.
Well that's it folks! That's how I really am. For once I would love to be able to answer honestly the question: How are you? But if I did that I'd feel even more alone because then NO ONE would want to talk to me AT ALL!!!
Guess what the doctor suggested I do? I have an appointment with the therapist that's associated with his practice. Are you surprised because I'm not.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
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9 comments:
HOLY CRAP....Who was that????? Um...I think I forgot my comment...sooo just know that I love ya -k-!!! Please know that to your very core...and I know I could be a much better friend to you, but please know that I am ALWAYS here for you!!!!!!!!!
Jill,
Wow what a novel that person wrote. Too bad they won't sign the author is.... As you know I have been stretched and challenged in ways we don't choose to be. My only comment to you would be "Control the controllable and accept the uncontrollable". Yes Greg has taken on some of your responsibilities, Yes you are involved with outside activities for your kids such as baseball. So what. All of us have the opportunities to follow our decisions we make in life. Why you are designed to make kidney stones, I don't know. It is hard to know how it feels to be the human b b gun. But that is the beauty of it. Only YOU can truely understand certain values in life and what really matters to you, your family, your relationship with God. The novelist had a good point to get our Heavely Father involved in your life if he has not been.
I will end this I don't want you too think I am a novelist either. Hang in there,
Jill, you know I love you and we will make it through it. Hold your head up and do the best you can. WE will make it together. I really liked the long comment. It makes me think.
The more that I think about all of the things going on. The more I realize that we need to pull up our boot straps and get it done. The Prophet has always said to "Do it". Jill, take the advice that has been given to you and stop being idle. An idle mind is the devils work shop. I know that it is hard, but try to start thinking about other people. Smile that is the way I like it.
WOW. I will just make a small comment. Jill, you are loved by many, whether you are told it or not. Yes, we all have our challenges in life. Some are harder then others, but they are meant for us. Heavenly Father loves ALL OF US and wants us to talk with him and lean on him, but remember that "Faith without works is dead." You can not expect to say, heavenly father you are in charge and sit back and do nothing. Keep working with your doctors. Work on staying close with Greg and with your kids. Let them be your rock right now. You can be the rock later. Give yourself a break and let others help you.
Sorry, there is my novel. At least I will sign it.
Jill,
I'm also sorry that things have been so hard for you. Please call if there are things you need... I"m finally out of school after tomorrow and would be happy to give you rides, come and visit, etc.
I think all of us, during both difficult times and easy times (sure wish there were more of those :)) should probably take stock of where we are and what we could be doing better at to stay closer to Heavenly Father. I know there are ways I could improve. So I think that is good advice.
Also, I do know that it is easy to dwell on negative thoughts/feelings and harder to find the positive. Satan wants us to be discouraged. I had a young woman's leader that always told us that she had noticed in her life that every time something important was going to happen she went through a period of discouragement shortly before. She believed that Satan really tried to prevent the miracles, the growth experiences, etc., from happening in her life by making her so discouraged that she would miss those opportunities. Just something to think about...
So there's my novel for you.
Wow. Chuck and Aly think I blog long. Though Jill I will say from reading the entire post. I would not surprised if your poster was a woman out of Salt Lake as in Church headquarters. The counsel and insights she shares are counsel that has come out the most recent General Relief Society Women's Talk. In fact Julie B Beck talked about the last days not to mention in her October address on mothers.
I have empathy for your emotional pain. I have fought depression and the bitterness that robs one of joy. I know what it feels like to have envy and jealously eat at you. My battles were in my youth many would pass it off as being a teen-ager they could not be more wrong. I am alive today because of the Savior. When I was 14 I was in such an emotional pit. I had wanted to commit suicide I was in so much pain I wanted that pain and hurt to stop. I had the pills in my hand. I could not do it. I lacked the courage. So I punished myself for the next three years by carving into my hand the palm. I would take pins and thread through the palms of my hands then I would lift the pin and watch as I ripped skin. Then at 17 something changed my life forever. I read the Book of Mormon for the first time. I truly understood I did have a purpose I was not an accident that I had worth. I did not need to destroy my palm because His was already pierced because of me. It was not easy to climb out of that pit of despair. My family was clueless about how much peril I was in. I am so glad because it was never meant to be their battle. It was one I could only fight myself. It was a fight that I did not have to do alone. Jill Trust Jesus He is many things but He is a Savior. He saves people. It is not an easy climb but like it says in the seventh verse of Follow the Prophet. "If we really try the Lord won't let us fail. That is what Jonah learned deep inside the whale." Two church books in addition to the scriptures was The Strength to Endure by Brent Top. The other "Valley of Sorrow" by Alexander Morrison (A seventy his daughter has manic depression. So depression touches all families). There are many out there who understand your pain both emotional and physical. You are not alone in this battle. One day you will look back at these bleak times and breathe a prayer of gratitude for all that you have been given. I thank Heavenly Father for all that has come into my life since that dark period. I have a life that has purpose and potential. I have people in my life that love me. People that in my life I would do anything for even what I could not do for myself give up my life if it meant something better for them. Some of the most beautiful things in life either come with opposition consider the rose with the thorns or the sweet taste of honey and the sting of bees. The rainbow comes out after the rain not before. So ends my novel. Call if you need anything.
Hey Jill,
I want you to know that you are in my prayers. I can understand exactly how you are feeling. I am going to give you the same talk that my mom gave to me a few years ago.
This is really crapy for you! It truly is. The thing is that your Heavenly Father knows that and understands that you can always feel good about the things that have happened to you. It is OK to cry. It is Ok to feel like it is too much. It is OK to break down. It is OK to wallow sometimes.
There comes a time that when you need to finish crying, breaking down and wallowing and stand up and say "Ok I have had my down time and now it is time to make it better".
I cry a lot! I break down a lot! But in the midst of all of that I don't stop praying, I don't stop listening to the spirit and most of all I don't stop helping others. I have found that the times that I am the lowest that there is always someone else who is lower. I have been depressed lately with all the health issues my children and I have had lately. Talking to you yesterday and reading your blog today has helped me to see that there is someone else out there who has the same issues and the same feelings. If nothing else I know that I am not alone in my struggles. Comfort yourself with the fact that you have three beautiful children who can all tell you that they love you and that your are a great mom. Some of us don't have that. (Not that I mind because I have other blessings from my children.)
Just realize that there are people out there who love and pray for you and we are always here if you need us!
Sarah Moss
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