Kidney Stones

Greg and the kids just left to go to the Zoo, and I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. For those of you who don't know my situation, I've had 3 surgeries in the last two and a half months. Same old stuff: kidney stones. My doctor went in and got as many kidney stones out of my kidney's as possible. He said that he removed between 8-12 stones out of my right kidney, and 6-8 out of my left kidney. The other surgery was for a stone, that got loose and caused a complete blockage in my ureter. All in all, it's been a crappy few months.

Now I'm on disability from work. I am still experiencing SEVERE pain in my back, that sure feels like kidney stone pain. The only problem is, I don't have anything in my kidney that would cause me this much pain. The official diagnosis is that I am experiencing nerve pain. My doctors nurse infomed me that "...nerve pain can be very, very painful." Really? Gee, thanks for the update. I have to be on pain medication which for me, is very scarey. I am going in on Friday to get a nerve block, and I'm terrified!!!

Like I said, the last few months have been really crappy. I can't work. And I really do miss going in to work! I can't clean or do laundry. That sounds much better than it really is. I feel so bad that Greg goes to work all day, everyday, and then has to come home and clean the house and do laundry. I can't drive at all, so I have to beg for rides to get myself where I need to go, but what makes that really bad, is that I can't drive my kids to where they need to be. I feel like such a loser mom because I have to have someone else get my kids to where they need to go. I'm so paranoid that people will think that I'm a bad mom. I really shouldn't care what people think of me. The only places I go are to my doctor appointments, and to sit on my butt and watch my kids play ball (which is the best thing ever!! I love to watch my kids play ball, it's my favorite thing!!!)

But the worst thing is, I'm alone ALL THE TIME!!! The kids get up and go to school, when they come home, they eat something, and then are off to practice, games, or out to play for a few minutes. I don't blame my kids, they want to do kid stuff, but being alone all the time really sucks!! Like today for instance, Greg had to drive me and the girls to their games an hour and a half early, because he had to umpire a ball game, that really wasn't bad at all, because Kolbie and I got to hang out the whole morning. I watched my girls play softball (which I love) Greg and Chris caught the end of Katie's game and all of Kolbie's game. We stopped and got something to eat on the way home. We were going to have a family activity, but the kids wanted to go to Hollywood Connection, but I just don't feel healthy enough to do something like that. So, we were talking about going to see "Horton Hears A Who", but the kids really weren't intrested. Then Greg's Mom calls and invites us to go to the Zoo with her, Greg's sisters and their families. The zoo was something that I definatley couldn't handle, but the kids didn't want to go to the movies, so they decided to go to the Zoo, and I'm home alone, again. I could tell that Greg felt bad. The minute they made the decision to go, I was really down in the dumps. I'm angry, very, very angry, but not at my family or anyone else. I'm angry with this entire situation. I want to be working, driving, having fun with my family.

I really want to not be on these medications anymore. For those of you who don't know, I struggle with an addiction to these kinds of medications. My doctors know, and my family is very supportive, but this really isn't a battle that they can fight for me. I am in pain, severe pain, and for me right now, those pills are necessary, but I feel like I'm "dancing with the devil". I'll talk more about my story at another time, but I'm sure sick of all of this. I'm not asking for anything unusual. I want to go to work, drive, spend time doing things with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, and my friends.

One thing that I have learned is: I've stopped asking why me? So many people tell me that they are so sorry that I have to deal with this, it sounds horrible, they say. And you know what? It is horrible, but I feel lucky. I have kidney stones, not cancer. Right now, my Dad is dealing with a truly awful disease. He's going to need a new liver to get better. The side effects of his medication alone makes me cry. Having kidney stones is terrible. It's painful and scarey. But my kidney are functioning, and chances are, having chronic kidney stones won't kill me. Kidney stones aren't fun, but it could be so much worse.