Sunday, February 2, 2014

But... My Dad is Superman!

Have you ever had a day where life changed? And I mean REALLY changed? Well, I did yesterday sort of. Some of you may know that my Dad has been sick for a very long time. About 9 years to be exact. He's been in and out of the hospital so many different times we lost count about 8 and a half years ago. I was talking to my brother and we estimate that if we counted the all the days that dad has been in the hospital or care center for the last 9ish years, we think he spent almost 2 years in the hospital! Fun life don't you think? Well, after what started out as pancreatitis and gallbladder removal, which carried on the chronic pancreatitis, a major surgery to try and fix that, heart problems, to a liver transplant, to kidney failure, dialysis, more heart problems, and more dialysis, we were told that Dad is no longer a candidate for a kidney transplant because he's too sick. After several falls over the last couple of months (one that included a small brain bleed) Dad has decided to stop any further treatment and went home from the hospital for the last time last night. I support my Dad's decision 110%. He fought a tough battle over the last decade or so. He's been through more than I know I could ever handle. He's fought well and he's fought hard, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say that part of me wishes he'd change his mind. He's my Dad and I can't imagine a world without him in it. Yesterday after Dad told us his decision and we'd talked to the doctors and Mom was working on getting the logistics taken care of it was my job to call other people in the family and tell them what's going on. Talk about a surreal event. I called my aunts and uncles, I answered questions and most of them really shocked me to be honest. I don't know why, if I had gotten a call like that about my sibling I would ask the same questions. I just sat there thinking that this couldn't really be happening. How could my Dad be dying? How could the guy that I gave a Superman T-shirt for Father's Day (because to me that's who he is -- Superman) really die? How is that possible? With all these people around me, my mother, my brothers, sister, husband, kids, and some very dear friends why do I feel all alone? There was only one other time that I've felt this alone and this terrified in my life, and it was the best worst experience of my life. The world changed, I changed. Things have never been the same since, somehow I feel like that's going to happen again. So, yesterday life changed but it's only the precursor to when things are really going to change. As I sit here, after only a couple of hours of restless sleep I'm terrified by the week ahead. What exactly is my role? And the bigger question: How exactly do I say good-bye to the one man that has meant the most to me my entire life?

1 comment:

Jennifer Panameno said...

Jill, I am so sorry that your dad has had to endure so much...and that you will lose him. It is so hard to lose someone you love. I am thankful that you were blessed to have such an amazing dad, and that he will no longer have to suffer. But my heart aches for you. You and your family are in my prayers. Love you, Jill!