Monday, June 30, 2008


There are so many different things that I could write about today, and many of those things are so hilarious you'd laugh till you cried (Aly -- I'm still working on that t-shirt), but I feel like being serious.

I have a very serious decision to make over the next few weeks, and I'm stumped. I could use some help.

As you know, I've been dealing with some really serious health issues lately. The biggest issue is that I've had so many kidney stones and surgeries and procedures to repair or retrieve stuck stones I have pretty serious nerve damage. Long story short: I feel like I'm having kidney stones all the time, when I'm not. I still have tons of stones in my kidney's, but they have taken up residence and decided to not move for the time being.

The problem that I have is that I'm in pain from this nerve damage all the time. My life is not my own. I have to take pain medication everyday. HOWEVER! I am happy to report that I don't take the maximum amount of the pill and I can't wait until I don't need them anymore.

The doctor thinks that it's time that we did what's called Spinal Cord Stimulation. Basically, they put an implant in that helps control the pain impulses sent to your brain. The doctor puts leads into the space between the spinal cord and the back bone to control the pain impulses from certain nerves. The leads are attached to a devise that is implanted under the skin. I would control the devise by remote control depending on how bad my pain is. I think the whole idea sounds like something that you'd see in a bad sci-fi film.

It's a 2 part procedure to get everything all done. During the first operation they place the leads but don't implant them under the skin. Yep. They'd be sticking right out my back. They'd stay that way for about 5 days, until I go into the dr office and they remove them. IF the leads seemed to help, then they would take me back to the OR (and another IV-- you'd think they wouldn't bother me by now, but they do) replace the leads and implant the device.

I just don't know how I feel about having an implant in my body. I'm only 34. I don' want this to keep limiting what I do. I want (and need) to go back to work, I need to get this situation under control, but I don't know if this is the right way for me to go. The idea of an implant and something inside my body creeps me out. I don't know how I feel about any of this.

There are things on my bucket list that I want to do, but I don't know if I'll be able to with an implant. Like run a marathon. I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know if I can give up certain things just yet.

If there's another way to get things under control I'd better find it FAST!

Sunday, June 29, 2008


When I got home from church I turned on the TV and there was nothing on and soon found myself watching: A SOCCER GAME!!

You all know that I LOVE baseball and can tolerate football, but I really hate soccer. At least I thought I did.

I don't understand the rules and it was about as fun as watching paint dry until about three quarters of the way through the first half. The score was 1-0 for Spain and then: the captian for Germany got hurt. No bid deal right? Wrong. The poor guy was going to try and hit the ball with his head (I think this is called a header) and bonked heads with his opponinent and cut his head open. And again I ask: what's the big deal? Well, the big deal is: the guy was laying on the grass bleeding everywhere and the medical team came right out onto the field, and sewed his head up right there in the middle of everything. They didn't even stop playing!

Now, that's what I call sacraficing yourself for the game! No time out, no nothing!!! Everyone just went right on playing while the guy got 4 stitches in his head!! The only delay when when the ref (I think that's what they call them in soccer) ran by the guy and yelled at him he needed to go change his jersey because the one he had on had blood all over it! That's what I call devotion!

Just thought I'd share.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Lesson Learned

Yesterday, I was spending the afternoon watching the final game of the Baseball World Series between Fresno State and Georgia (Chris recorded it on our DVR) and Chris asked me: "Hey Mom? Why is it bad if people have sex with lots of people? I know that you tell us we shouldn't do that. And we learn that at church, but why?"

I was caught completely off guard by this question, so I took a deep breath counted to ten and answered the question the best that I could. I won't go into the specifics but Chris and I were able to have a very candid discussion about sex and why it's important to stay morally clean. The entire conversation lasted about 3 minutes and then we were back to betting on whether or not Gordon Beckham would play in Double A or Triple A next year.

Then, later that night, after Greg and the kids came home from visiting his Mom for her birthday Kate snuggled up to me and we chatted for about an hour. It was great! We laughed and joked and we even cried a little. Kate isn't one to really open up allot, but she did last night. She told me how she felt about her Grandma Kate, and what she thinks about her PaPa being very sick. She also told me how she feels about other family members and how things are going in our home. It was great to just listen.

I don't want to give the impression that we are always having these "learning and teaching moments" (funny thing, I'm supposed to be the one teaching and end up learning) all the time at our house, but they do happen.

The thing that I learned from my kids yesterday is that they talk when THEY are ready.

I was able to talk to Chris about some very grown up things, but he started the conversation. It wasn't a "...come sit down son, we need to talk..." situation. We were doing something he wanted to do and he felt comfortable asking (what could be) a difficult question. And I (hopefully) answered the question so he really heard me.

My time with Katie taught me allot too. She told me how she felt about so many things that I thought I already knew the answer to. She was honest about some things going on at home, and I really appreciate that. She also reminded me that she's still a little girl. She acts so grown up sometimes, I forget that she still needs me. I loved that she cuddled and talked to me. In fact, I fell asleep last night cuddling with both of my beautiful daughters.

I guess the moral of the story is: Kids will talk to you when they want to talk to you'd better be ready to listen.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Bridal and Baby Showers

Greg's cousin is getting married next month, so there's a bridal shower for her this weekend. Greg's Mom called to talk to me about it.

First she asked:
Are you going to make it?

Answer: I'm not sure. Chris has two ball games and I don't know how I'll be feeling.

Reply: That's too bad.

Then she asked: Do you know what you want to do for a gift?

Reply: Honestly, I haven't even thought about it.

Mother in Law: Well, someone suggested that we do what I always give for Christmas.

Reply: silence -- I had no idea what so always gives for Christmas, I get a gift card to Barnes and Nobel that I am very happy with.

Mother in Law: You know. The box with all the office supplies in it.

Me: Light begins to dawn. I remember thinking that she knocked over the local Staples when I saw that gift opened up on Christmas morning.

Mother in Law: Jay also suggested that we get a laundry basket and put laundry soap and stuff in it.

Reply: That sounds good to me.

SIDEBAR: I really don't care for bridal (or baby) showers. I wasn't even all that excited for my own. I HATE feeling embarrassed. What I hate even more are all the "typical" everyday, goofy gifts. I've made it a policy to not give them. Look what happened next:

Mother in Law: What do you think? I would really appreciate your input.

Reply: I don't think you really want my input.

Mother in Law: Why? I really would appreciate it.

Reply: I usually give movie tickets and a gift card to dinner.

SILENCE!!!!!!!! For like 30 seconds!!!!

Mother in Law: Oh. My. Well... That certainly is different. Oh. I never would have thought of something like that. Oh. My.

Reply: That's just what I do, that doesn't mean that's what you have to do.


Mother in Law: Wow. That's awesome, I guess.

My sweet mother in law gave me a great laugh! I know that I don't really fit in the mold of most things with Greg's family, but this is just hilarious. I know that there's probably some manners book out there about what is appropriate to give as shower gifts, but I've never been one to roll with the crowd.

I always tried to give couples something that most really don't have. The opportunity to go out to dinner and to the movies. I always felt that I would appreciate that more than a laundry basket, but that's just me.

I know that showers are part of our culture when people get married and give birth, but am I that wrong? And who, in the name of all that's holy came up with the idea of shower games? I mean really? Holding an ice cube with a plastic little baby in it is supposed to be fun? And the first one to melt all the ice wins? What's the skill in that? And the diaper game? EW!!! The whole idea is just disgusting! I know I've only mentioned baby shower games so... Has anyone heard of the M&M game? I really don't think it's anyone else's business how often you and your spouse have sex. And what's the idea of all those stupid kitchen utensils your supposed to memorize? The showers that are fun to go to are personal showers for your friends -- preferably ones that their mother and future mother in law are NOT invited.

Anyway, that's just how I feel about showers. I'm sure I'm wrong. I know it's all supposed to be fun. But really it's not. I do go to showers for close personal friends and close family members. And if I don't go (like this weekend) I usually send weird gifts, like movie tickets and gift cards.

For baby showers I give movie tickets, a gift card for dinner, $20 bucks for a babysitter, and ear plugs. Now THAT'S a useful gift!

By the way, I never win any of the prizes given at showers. Can you tell?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Movies and DVD's

Yesterday, my son spent some time with his friends watching DVD's. He is now begging me to either rent on my Netflix account or buy the DVD Space Balls. He is still laughing at all the supid humor of that movie. I guess this brings me to the topic of DVD's.

A couple of days ago I starting watching the Band Of Brothers series. I'm seriously hooked. Infact, I've already begun watching the mailbox because the next installment is supposed to show up today. I get 2 DVD's at a time and I'm also expecting the first disc in Starter Wife. I have to get a comedy to go with something so serious.

I'm a big fan of Word War II stuff. I know it sounds morbid. I have my Grandfathers Army Jacket hanging in my closet. I want to frame it and hang it in our family room. I love reading books and watching movies (obviously) about WWII. Greg thinks I'm morbid.

My Dad has a saying when it comes to movies. When asked if he like a movie he says:"...well, it didn't change my life." That's Dad. But I think that movies have the ability to maybe change our perspective. I'm not saying that every movie I've watched is a life changing experience (like I've said before sometimes you just need to turn off your brain and be entertained) but some movies can have an impact. Here are a few for me: Saving Private Ryan, Shindlers List, and Hotel Rwanda. I know, I know, all of these movies are rated R, but ALL of my children will watch them with me long before they're 18. Band of Brothers and many others are on this list as well.

Anyway, getting to the lighter side of the subject. Watching movies and DVD's has become a huge part of our culture, and a right of passage for many. Do you have a friend that can quote most of Monte Python and the Holy Grail? I do. Who remembers the first time they saw Steel Magnolias and cried for an hour? I do. Who did you see E.T with for the first time. How many of you saw Ghost on a first date and wished that pottery wheel would just blow up? Did you stand in line to see Harry Potter?

Allot of us even plan our lives around the release of certain movies. For me, I'm going to try to get my husband to take me to see "Wanted" this weekend. James McAvoy is one of my favoirte actors. An action flick is a little off the beaten path for him, but I've got to see it. I'm already planning my trip to see "Twilight".

I love going to the movies. Infact, I've been known to just go by myself. Greg makes so much fun of me because of this, but I always tell him that going to the movies isn't exactley an interactive experience. Which is why I never really like going to the movies when I first started dating someone. To complicate matters, my husband HATES going to the movies. He's turned into his father by saying: "...there's too many people..."

I don't think he's forgiven me for taking him to see Sex and the City, even though we watched the TV show together. When we got our seats, I ran to the restroom, because I wasn't going to miss one second of that show, and the 3 women that sat behind us started talking to Greg. He thought that they were hitting on him untill I reminded him that they probably thought that he was my gay best friend.

Anyway, love 'em or hate 'em movies have become a huge part of pop culture. Some movies I hate, and fell that their existence on this planet is offensive, but others I couldn't live without. I can't even name my top ten, I guess it would depend on the genre. Here's a list of a few:

Atonement, Anything James Bond (I love Daniel Craig as the new Bond), all of the Bourne Movies, Star Wars (all six), While You Were Sleeping, Bridgette Jones (I and II) White Christmas (I watch this all year), Singin' In The Rain, Band of Brothers, Notting Hill, Princess Diaries (I & II), Hotel Rwanda, Saving Private Ryan, Shindlers List.

The list goes on and on and on.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"My Love Handles Broke Up With Me Today"

Funny story!:

When Chris got home from baseball practice on Monday, he walked in the door and yelled:

"Hey Mom!! I think my love handles broke up with me today!"

Me: "What?"

Chris: "I think my love handles broke up with me and are movin out today!"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Chris: "Well, they (the coaches) ran us so hard today, I think my love handles broke up with me and are movin out. And I don't think they'll ever move back in."

Me: "They ran you that hard?"

Chris: "Oh yeah. They ran us so hard Peter threw-up. It was awesome!"

Me: "You know that they could run you so hard tomorrow that you could be the one throwing up?"

Chris: "That would be so awesome!"

I think my son's perspective is a little off. What really matters most is that he's having the time of his life!!! He truly loves to play baseball, and he worships his coaches. Roger Jr., Johnnie, Travis, Don, and Popi thanks so much for all your hard work.

This story makes me laugh every time I think about it. Greg just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. But Chris has been smiling non-stop (except when he's yelling at his sisters) since practices started on Monday. He's so happy, and that makes me happy

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Playin' Polly Pockets, Makin' the All-Star Team, and Goin' to a Bees Game!

I've decided that I need to spend more time with my kids so when Kolbie asked me if I wanted to play Polly Pockets I couldn't refuse. I spent the next hour on the floor in the family room with Kolbie and her Polly Pockets. I have very few memories playing with toys (or doing anything else) as a child, so I didn't really know what to do but Kolbie was a great teacher. We talked about what outfits Polly looked best in, and what was "bad" fashion. I asked Kolbie why she liked playing with Polly Pockets, and she said "I like playing with my friends, but this time I like Polly Pockets because I'm playing them with you Mom." Wow! Since being sick, I've spent a lot of time looking back. Wishing I had done something else, or been someone else, but I'm sick of it!! Obviously Kolbie wasn't wishing that I was anyone different. She accepts me even though sometimes I'm not the best mom. You know what? Kolbie tells me all the time that I'm the best mom ever. I never believe her because of my insecurities, but maybe I'm just what she (and the rest of my wonderful family) needs.

Last Saturday was closing ceremonies for Chris' baseball league. He was very, very nervous. Last year, despite his best efforts (he had a pretty significant slump towards the end of the season) he didn't make the All-Star team. This was a first for Chris. He was heart-broken, and as his Mom I was mad. But that was a year ago. Greg and I had known for about 3 weeks that Chris had made the team, but we decided to not tell him. We wanted him to find out at closing ceremonies. When they announced the team, I loved that huge smile he had on his face. He's so proud of that cheap trophy. But the best part was after closing ceremonies. It was announced that there would be a meeting for players and parents. I told the girls to stay up on the bleachers, and I went out on the field for the meeting. I walked up to Chris and gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him. I turned around when I heard some yelling behind me. The sound was my girls running, full steam ahead, toward Chris yelling: "YOU MADE IT, YOU MADE IT, YOU MADE IT!!! WAY TO GO!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!" The girls came running the jumped into Chris' arms. Watching that, both Greg and I got a little teary. Greg and I have been criticized about how much time we spend at the ball park, but let me tell you something: We have spent allot of time at the ball park. As a family. During that time, my kids have become each others biggest fan. They console each other when something doesn't go right, and cheer for each other when things are good. Chris went and cheered for his sisters, just like the girls cheered for him. That time spent at the ball field is happy time, with a few exceptions that revolved around one or two individuals. I love the memories and friends that we've made at the ball park (either baseball or softball). Watching that on Saturday showed me that my kids love it as much as I do!

I asked Greg what he wanted for Fathers Day, and he would always tell me nothing. Until he announced that for Fathers Day he wanted to go to the Bees game as a family. We all thought that sounded great, so we got tickets and headed to Franklin Covey Field last Saturday evening. We all had a great time!!! We ate nachos, churros, ice cream, popcorn, burritos (Greg had a burrito! At a ball game! I'm a purist! Burritos at a ball game? Come on!) and drank soda. We cheer and argued about calls. There were some amazing hits, and amazing plays (there was one at the plate that was pretty great), and we had an amazing time. We watched fireworks and the kids ran the bases. Greg got obsessed with what the grounds crew was doing, and learned he needed to listen to his wife more, she's very wise. And I sat and watched it all, completely amazed with my family. We got home late, and missed Sacrament Meeting, but we had a great time!

I sometimes don't thank God enough for my little family, but I adore them all. They give meaning to my life and who I am. I don't mind being known as Greg's wife and Chris, Kate and Kolbie's mom (but I do need to be acknowledged for my own accomplishments sometimes). I thank God for the blessing of my family. I must have done something right sometime in my existence to deserve them. As the kids grow up, I sometimes wish I could go back and do some things different (I'm told that this is normal) but I love the age they are right now. The evil monster call "TEENAGE DRAMA" is starting to show up more frequently now, but that's okay. We'll work through whatever he dishes out. I guess the point of this blog is: I ABSOLUTELY ADORE MY FAMILY!!! My sexy husband, and my beautiful, smart, funny, amazing kids!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008



My last posted caused a mild uproar with my friends and family (my mom was really upset), but it wasn't about my post. It was about a anonymous comment left on my blog. I was very hurt by many of the things that were in that comment but, I know that the person who wrote it (who ever they are) did not mean to be hurtful. One night was I was talking to Greg about it, he said to only focus on the good. He said that there are thing in that comment that are hurtful, but there are somethings in there that aren't. Focus on those.

To be honest that just made me even more upset. But it also got me thinking. I am limited by my health right now but things do go better when you look outside yourself. Yesterday was Kolbie's 8th birthday. I decided when I woke up that I was going to do the best I could to make that day special for Kolbie. I cleaned, and baked a birthday cake, and made Kolbie's favorite dinner. Things didn't go perfectly, dinner was ready about 10 minutes before the family showed up for her birthday party. She and her best buddy had to eat most of their dinner about 9pm, but they didn't care. The house wasn't perfect, but it was fine. Everything went well and most important KOLBIE HAD A GREAT TIME!!! Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck and haven't gotten a thing done, but I don't really care. I did over do it a bit, but Kolbie was happy.

Something else I've learned was: when you need help sometimes you just have to ask! The relief society president for my ward read my blog and then showed up at my house and started to get things organized for some help. The next day 5 beautiful women in my ward showed up and cleaned my house. That was difficult for me, but I just had to let go and stop worrying. They did a great job, and cleaned my house. My mom and sister showed up on Saturday and straightened up my house again, and my mom took all of our laundry home and came back the next day with every thing washed and folded and ready to be put away. I cannot even tell you how much those women all helped me. From bringing in dinner to washing the toilet, they were all miracle workers!! Thank you so much. This taught me that we sometimes think that our bishop or relief society president, or home and visiting teachers would just know that we need help. Sometimes the spirit does direct someone to help another, but not always. Sometimes you have to be humble enough to ask for help and then be gracious enough to accept it.

Anyway, it's been a roller-coaster the last week or so. My procedure for my back didn't help, so I'm going back in to see my doctor in about a week and a half. We'll see what happens. I'm scared of what the next step is to get me healthy again, but I'll just have to wait and see. Thank you so much to everyone who helped us out and is still helping us out. Every time you help us, your a miracle to me and my family. Thank you!

About that post: ALL FUTURE ANONYMOUS COMMENTS WILL BE DISREGARDED AND DELETED. I really don't mind what people write, but at least have the guts to put your name on it!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

How I Really Am!

Today was one of those days that we all hate, nothing goes right and things get rough.

I've been in so much pain lately I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in I don't know how long, so I spent the night tossing and turning. I also woke up about every 30 minutes, I finally fell into a deeper sleep about 4:30. But we had to wake up early so Greg and I could take Chris to the doctor.

The high point of the day was that Greg took the day off to drive me all over the valley.

We dropped Chris off at school, and went home for a little while. I took a much needed nap. Then we were off to another doctors appointment, this time for me.

SIDENOTE: About a month ago I got a letter from the Department of Public Safety, saying that I needed to get my doctor to sign off so I wouldn't lose my drivers license. This really upset me, because if you know me, you know that I haven't been driving because of the medication that the doctor has me taking.

Well, I went to my first doctors appointment, so that my family doctor could sign-off on his portion of the ever important form the government sent me. I haven't seen this doctor for a few months and had to get him up to speed on my circumstances. He, of course, was very concerned about me taking pain medication. We talked about this. For those of you who don't know, I've struggled with addiction to pain medication. We informed him of the things that we do to prevent me from relapsing, and he was very happy with our decisions.

We left his office we stopped at my favorite stitching store so I could get a few supplies to complete my current project -- a Haunted House.

Then we went to the office of my pain doctor. I was just going to drop of the form that he needs to sign, but asked if he could fit us in because I needed an adjustment of my medication, he had time and this is where the day went down the toilet. Greg had never met Dr. Talbott and him talked for a while about my circumstances, sometimes I felt like they forgot that I was sitting there next to them. The main thing that we discussed was my medication. To be clear: I have severe chronic pain. The theory is that all my kidney stones, and all the procedures to remove them caused nerve damage in my back, I am always in allot of pain. The doctor had some concerns about my meds. He asked me how I felt about things and then it all came out. I started crying. I hate that!! When you start to cry and you don't want to cry because you'll look like an idiot, and you do anything you can to not cry, but you do anyway. I just couldn't hold it in any more. People ask me every day how I'm doing, and I always say the same thing: I'm doing okay. NEWSFLASH: I'm not doing okay. I'm alone all the time. My house is a mess and my laundry is getting behind again, because I'm in so much pain that if I do clean my house I'll be down in bed for at least 2 days. I'm alone all the time. I have to rely on other people to help me get my kids where they need to be (ball practice and games). My husband is killing himself trying to get as much done as he can. I feel ignored by most of the people around me, my friends, my ward, and my family. I firmly believe that when Greg looks at me now, all he sees is a problem, not a friend. I can't sleep and I'm depressed. I'm terrified of the procedures the doctor has to do to try and get this under control, (if this procedure doesn't work on Friday the next procedure down the line almost makes me pass out when I think about it) but I don't have any other option. I'm scared to go back to work, because I don't know if I can do my job anymore. I'm scared to stop taking these meds because of the withdrawals that come with it. Basically: I am scared. I don't know what to do or even who to ask for help. I'm depressed and lonely.

Well that's it folks! That's how I really am. For once I would love to be able to answer honestly the question: How are you? But if I did that I'd feel even more alone because then NO ONE would want to talk to me AT ALL!!!

Guess what the doctor suggested I do? I have an appointment with the therapist that's associated with his practice. Are you surprised because I'm not.