Today we were at the ballpark (as usual) Chris did pretty well, he had fun so that's all that really matters. In between innings, the umpire Ken started to not feel good. His face turned gray (I never thought that could happen but it did) and he started to complain about having chest pain. 911 was called immediately. Ken told us that he was having really bad chest pain that was radiating down his arm. Things got really scary at that point. I called his wife and told her to come down to the field immediately, that was weird, I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to freak her out more than necessary. The phone call went like this:
Me: Hi Lisa, this is Jill from Kearns Pony.
Her: Hi Jill how are ya?
Me: I'm fine, but Lisa we need you to come down here right now.
Her: Is it Ken?
Me: Yes.
Her: Did you need to call an ambulance?
Me: It's on it's way.
Her: I'm still in my pajamas, I'll need to get dressed.
Me; Lisa, we need you hear fast, okay?
Let me clarify something, before I made this phone call I asked Ken what he thought was happening. He said that he thought he was having a heart attack. When I went to call her I didn't know what to say, but I knew that telling her that her husband was having a heart attack over the phone was probably not a great idea.
Before the paramedics got there, Ken asked if someone could give him a blessing. I ran to get the oil that Greg keeps on his key chain, and Ken got his blessing. The paramedics showed up and started to take care of him. I have never been so happy to see emergency personnel. I went and stood in the parking lot waiting for Lisa. She pulled in and jumped out of her car and asked what happened? I told her that Ken thought he was having a heart attack, and all the color drained out of her face, and she ran off to Ken. Well, the paramedics started taking care of him, and they were off to the hospital.
I finish watching the game, but had a hard time concentrating. Later, Brandon (Ken's son) called to give Greg an update on how things were going. He told Greg that Ken did have a small heart attack at the field, but when he got to the hospital he had a major heart attack and had to be resuscitated, and he was on his way to surgery. Wow, what a day. I pray that Ken will pull through just fine.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Tag: My Bucket List
I've been tagged by my husband to name five things on my bucket list.
1. I would like to visit every American Temple. I know that it sounds weird, it's the same everywhere you go, but I think it would be amazing!!
2. I would like to see a Notre Dame football home game. No I'm not a fan, but I always watch at least 1 home game a year and it looks amazing, and sooooo much fun.
3. I would like to take a trip with my entire family. As you all know my Dad is very sick. I would love it if we could all go to Mexico or on a cruise. That would be so much fun.
4. I would like to go to Europe. I want to see the Eiffel Tower, The Mona Lisa, concentration camps, cathedrals, England, Ireland, Scotland I would love to see it all.
5. I would like to run a marathon. Don't laugh!
It's so hard to narrow things down to five!! I would also like to see a ballgame in every big league park and go to the hall of fame. I want to go on a trip that my kids decided where we're going and what we're doing. I want my home and my yard to be what I see in my head. I want to have girlfriends, that I take trips with and talk to and do things with all the time. I want to donate bone marrow, and make a difference with organ donation (since my dad needs a new liver I see this subject in a whole new light). For me, my list goes on and on and on but I'm sure it's that way for everyone.
I tag Aly, Betsy, Carin, Jennie, and Steph. Be sure to pass it on!!
P.S. Is anyone looking for a training partner for a marathon? I should be ready to start to train in a few weeks, so if your interested, give me a call!!!
1. I would like to visit every American Temple. I know that it sounds weird, it's the same everywhere you go, but I think it would be amazing!!
2. I would like to see a Notre Dame football home game. No I'm not a fan, but I always watch at least 1 home game a year and it looks amazing, and sooooo much fun.
3. I would like to take a trip with my entire family. As you all know my Dad is very sick. I would love it if we could all go to Mexico or on a cruise. That would be so much fun.
4. I would like to go to Europe. I want to see the Eiffel Tower, The Mona Lisa, concentration camps, cathedrals, England, Ireland, Scotland I would love to see it all.
5. I would like to run a marathon. Don't laugh!
It's so hard to narrow things down to five!! I would also like to see a ballgame in every big league park and go to the hall of fame. I want to go on a trip that my kids decided where we're going and what we're doing. I want my home and my yard to be what I see in my head. I want to have girlfriends, that I take trips with and talk to and do things with all the time. I want to donate bone marrow, and make a difference with organ donation (since my dad needs a new liver I see this subject in a whole new light). For me, my list goes on and on and on but I'm sure it's that way for everyone.
I tag Aly, Betsy, Carin, Jennie, and Steph. Be sure to pass it on!!
P.S. Is anyone looking for a training partner for a marathon? I should be ready to start to train in a few weeks, so if your interested, give me a call!!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A Night With Friends and Indiana Jones
Last night Greg and I went out to dinner and to see the new Indiana Jones flick with about 14 of our friends and neighbors. We had a great time!!!
Being my fathers child, I was raised on Star Wars, James Bond (when I got older), Star Trek (I could only tolerate The Next Generation, and the movies), and Indiana Jones. So my hopes were high. I liked the movie. Greg said that it was a bit far-fetched (it kind of is). But when I reminded him that in the last installment Indi located the cup that Christ used to perform the sacrament at the last supper. We decided that ALL Indiana Jones movies are far-fetched. All I'll tell you is that you meet one or two new characters, and one or two return from Indi's past. I really enjoyed the movie, but it's defiantly a movie that you have to turn your brain off at the door.
I really needed to get out last night and be with friends. Being "sick" (I'm really in ALLOT of pain) I'm always alone. The kids are in school, and Greg is at work. The evenings are spent trying to keep things under control at home. And since I'm not driving, I don't go anywhere!! So being with friends, laughing and eating really lifted my spirits. So thanks Carin and Aly for remembering us, I really need to get out with friends. The only problem, is that when we left the movie, I was in a huge amount of pain. I came home and went to bed and had a hard time falling asleep and today, I'm really hurting. But to be honest, I don't really care. The only downside right now is that Greg and the kids have gone up to the shop, and they're going to the Blaze game tonight. I think, scratch that, I KNOW that would be too much for me.
One funny thing that happened last night: Greg has been obsessed with how old he's getting. I always tell him to get real, I believe, getting old is happening later in life. He tells me I'm nuts, but Greg is only 4 years older than me, so he can't be old. Right? Anyway, we got home, and fell into bed. I looked over at the clock, and it was only slightly past midnight, and I started to laugh. Greg asked me what was so funny. I asked him if he remembers when we were younger and could hang out with our friends until 2 or 3 in the morning, and then get up and have a full day of things to do? He said he did, then we both decided that those days are over!! He told me, that WE are both getting old, then he fell asleep. I nudged him awake and asked him if he missed those days (because I sure do) and he said "of course" then fell asleep. I guess I might be old,when I start talking about the "good ole days", but not really. Right?
Being my fathers child, I was raised on Star Wars, James Bond (when I got older), Star Trek (I could only tolerate The Next Generation, and the movies), and Indiana Jones. So my hopes were high. I liked the movie. Greg said that it was a bit far-fetched (it kind of is). But when I reminded him that in the last installment Indi located the cup that Christ used to perform the sacrament at the last supper. We decided that ALL Indiana Jones movies are far-fetched. All I'll tell you is that you meet one or two new characters, and one or two return from Indi's past. I really enjoyed the movie, but it's defiantly a movie that you have to turn your brain off at the door.
I really needed to get out last night and be with friends. Being "sick" (I'm really in ALLOT of pain) I'm always alone. The kids are in school, and Greg is at work. The evenings are spent trying to keep things under control at home. And since I'm not driving, I don't go anywhere!! So being with friends, laughing and eating really lifted my spirits. So thanks Carin and Aly for remembering us, I really need to get out with friends. The only problem, is that when we left the movie, I was in a huge amount of pain. I came home and went to bed and had a hard time falling asleep and today, I'm really hurting. But to be honest, I don't really care. The only downside right now is that Greg and the kids have gone up to the shop, and they're going to the Blaze game tonight. I think, scratch that, I KNOW that would be too much for me.
One funny thing that happened last night: Greg has been obsessed with how old he's getting. I always tell him to get real, I believe, getting old is happening later in life. He tells me I'm nuts, but Greg is only 4 years older than me, so he can't be old. Right? Anyway, we got home, and fell into bed. I looked over at the clock, and it was only slightly past midnight, and I started to laugh. Greg asked me what was so funny. I asked him if he remembers when we were younger and could hang out with our friends until 2 or 3 in the morning, and then get up and have a full day of things to do? He said he did, then we both decided that those days are over!! He told me, that WE are both getting old, then he fell asleep. I nudged him awake and asked him if he missed those days (because I sure do) and he said "of course" then fell asleep. I guess I might be old,when I start talking about the "good ole days", but not really. Right?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A Stand-Up Double and an RBI
Last night was a big night for Katie. She played her last softball game for this season. I was sad, even though I froze 90% of the time, while watching her games.
Katie really hit the jack-pot this season. Her coaches Lindsey Powell and her dad Rob Powell were amazing. When ever you sign a kid up to play sports, it's a real crap shoot. Will she get a good coach? Will she have fun? Will this be a positive experience? Will the coach yell at her? Side note:This is a question that you usually don't think about. According to my husband playing sports and getting yelled at is part of boys playing sports. I think that's a load of crap, but what do I know? Will she want to do this again?
For Katie she had an amazing coach, she had a blast, it was a positive experience, the coach didn't yell at her (other than to tell her she did something amazing) and yes, she wants to play again. One of the best parts of parenthood is watching your child grow up. Unfortunately, this is also the scariest part of parenthood.
Kate played baseball last year with all the boys and had a good time. She wanted to play baseball again, but Greg and I felt it was time for her to move on. We wanted here to be one of the many (girl playing girls softball) and not one of the few (being one of the 3 girls playing in the baseball league). And luckily, we made a good decision.
She wasn't on the first place team, but her coaches really taught those girls the fundamentals of how to play the game. So many times coaches forget that the ultimate goal is not to be in first place, but the teach these kids the game, and make them lifelong fans, and most important: to let those kids have fun. Katie improved her game, and her confidence.
Her coaches let her pitch she had never done that before, she'd been practicing all season, and they gave her a chance. She still has a way to go, but that helped her confidence so much. I am so proud of her!! I have heard "....that's nice Mom, but Lindsey and Rob said I should...." so many times over the last few weeks I almost went crazy. There was allot of hero worship going on.
Sadly, last night was her last game. She got a stand-up double (which could have been a triple, if she hadn't stopped running for a few seconds between first and second, but who cares?) and an RBI at her last at bat. She played right field, and catcher (which she loves) and had a great game! I'm so proud of her!!! One of my favorite things to do is watch my kids do things they love, and have fun doing it. And this season, thanks to some great coaches, great cheerleaders in the stands (I hope), and a great attitude, I had a great time. In fact, I think the only person who had more fun than me, was Katie. She's already talking about fall ball.
p.s. She was the biggest cheerleader, by leading all those dorky cheers that softball players yell during THE ENTIRE GAME!!!
Katie really hit the jack-pot this season. Her coaches Lindsey Powell and her dad Rob Powell were amazing. When ever you sign a kid up to play sports, it's a real crap shoot. Will she get a good coach? Will she have fun? Will this be a positive experience? Will the coach yell at her? Side note:This is a question that you usually don't think about. According to my husband playing sports and getting yelled at is part of boys playing sports. I think that's a load of crap, but what do I know? Will she want to do this again?
For Katie she had an amazing coach, she had a blast, it was a positive experience, the coach didn't yell at her (other than to tell her she did something amazing) and yes, she wants to play again. One of the best parts of parenthood is watching your child grow up. Unfortunately, this is also the scariest part of parenthood.
Kate played baseball last year with all the boys and had a good time. She wanted to play baseball again, but Greg and I felt it was time for her to move on. We wanted here to be one of the many (girl playing girls softball) and not one of the few (being one of the 3 girls playing in the baseball league). And luckily, we made a good decision.
She wasn't on the first place team, but her coaches really taught those girls the fundamentals of how to play the game. So many times coaches forget that the ultimate goal is not to be in first place, but the teach these kids the game, and make them lifelong fans, and most important: to let those kids have fun. Katie improved her game, and her confidence.
Her coaches let her pitch she had never done that before, she'd been practicing all season, and they gave her a chance. She still has a way to go, but that helped her confidence so much. I am so proud of her!! I have heard "....that's nice Mom, but Lindsey and Rob said I should...." so many times over the last few weeks I almost went crazy. There was allot of hero worship going on.
Sadly, last night was her last game. She got a stand-up double (which could have been a triple, if she hadn't stopped running for a few seconds between first and second, but who cares?) and an RBI at her last at bat. She played right field, and catcher (which she loves) and had a great game! I'm so proud of her!!! One of my favorite things to do is watch my kids do things they love, and have fun doing it. And this season, thanks to some great coaches, great cheerleaders in the stands (I hope), and a great attitude, I had a great time. In fact, I think the only person who had more fun than me, was Katie. She's already talking about fall ball.
p.s. She was the biggest cheerleader, by leading all those dorky cheers that softball players yell during THE ENTIRE GAME!!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Cool Hot Dogs, and Looking "Hot"
Yesterday, Chris came home from school and announced we needed to buy him some hot dogs and hot dog buns for school, they were going to have a solar BBQ at school. I told Chris to call his Dad and ask him to stop and buy the stuff he needed. A few minutes later he came back down stairs, I asked him if he'd called his dad. Chris informed me that he asked Greg to take him to the store. Greg came home from work and within 15 minutes Chris and his Dad were off to Walmart. I asked Greg to look at getting Chris some shorts (this really shocked him--and me--since I'm what Greg calls a Walmart snob. I hate that place, but desperate times...)
When they got home, Chris went directly to his room to try on his 2 pairs of new shorts. I went upstairs to put away groceries, and really didn't think too much of it until about 20 minutes later, when I was back downstairs (it was too hot to stay upstairs). Chris came and modeled his new clothes, and stated that he looked "hot". I didn't like that too much, the kid is only 12!! I asked Chris if he got everything he needed for the solar BBQ. He said that he did, then I had a thought and had to ask:
Me: Why did you have to pick out the hot dogs?
Chris: I just did.
Me: Why?
Chris: Because.
As you can tell, at this point Chris wasn't talking much.
Me: Because why? Isn't a hot dog just a hot dog?
Chris: sighing and rolling his eyes. No it's not, but I'm really excited to go to school tomorrow.
Me: Why are you excited to go to school tomorrow?
Chris: I look hot in my new clothes, and I have all the "right" stuff for the solar BBQ.
Me: What do you mean "all the right stuff"?
Chris: These are the nicer hot dogs, and my clothes make me look hot.
Me: Chris go to bed, your giving me a headache.
Since when has there been cool hot dogs? I must have missed the boat on that one! And why is my 12 year old calling himself "hot"? Isn't he too young for all that? When did all this happen? I went to bed feeling very, very old.
When they got home, Chris went directly to his room to try on his 2 pairs of new shorts. I went upstairs to put away groceries, and really didn't think too much of it until about 20 minutes later, when I was back downstairs (it was too hot to stay upstairs). Chris came and modeled his new clothes, and stated that he looked "hot". I didn't like that too much, the kid is only 12!! I asked Chris if he got everything he needed for the solar BBQ. He said that he did, then I had a thought and had to ask:
Me: Why did you have to pick out the hot dogs?
Chris: I just did.
Me: Why?
Chris: Because.
As you can tell, at this point Chris wasn't talking much.
Me: Because why? Isn't a hot dog just a hot dog?
Chris: sighing and rolling his eyes. No it's not, but I'm really excited to go to school tomorrow.
Me: Why are you excited to go to school tomorrow?
Chris: I look hot in my new clothes, and I have all the "right" stuff for the solar BBQ.
Me: What do you mean "all the right stuff"?
Chris: These are the nicer hot dogs, and my clothes make me look hot.
Me: Chris go to bed, your giving me a headache.
Since when has there been cool hot dogs? I must have missed the boat on that one! And why is my 12 year old calling himself "hot"? Isn't he too young for all that? When did all this happen? I went to bed feeling very, very old.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
My Mom Is No June Cleaver - And I'm So Glad!!!
With Mothers Day upon us, I would like to tell you all about my wonderful mother.
My Mom's name is Barbara Lynn. She graduated from Kearns High School. She met my dad at a Singles Ward! My parents have been married for 37 years this August. My mom has 4 children. My mom is from a small town. My Mom works for the State, and her job has something to do with teacher certification. My Mom lives by Cottonwood High School. My Mom loves my Dad very, very much. My Mom loves her children very, very much.
That's the basics, now let me tell you about my mom.
My Mom has worked my entire life. She said that after she had me (I'm the oldest) she even had to send me to daycare as a baby because Dad was trying to get through school. This is something that my mom has hated about her life. Mom always wanted to stay home with us, but was never able to. I think that this will be one of my Moms biggest regrets, this makes me sad. I know that my Mom never went to work so we could buy a boat, a bigger house, or a cooler car.
For a long time when I was growing up, my parents worked opposite shifts. Mom would work days, Dad would work nights. So, after work my Mom would race home to pick us up from daycare, and run home to start dinner and homework, she never thought she could help us--she said that she wasn't smart enough--but she is very smart. She smart enough to help us with long division, how to diagram sentences, she knew all the tricks to help us remember dates and people for history. But my Mom is really smart in all the things that matter the most. I know that you must think that I'm painting a picture of happiness and ease where everyone is happy, healthy, clean, and the house is spotless. That's not how it was. There were fights among the kids, and when I got to be about 12 there were fights between me and my Mom. We usually ate dinner about 8:30pm, and allot of the time homework didn't get finished.
For as long as I can remember, Mom's life has been about everyone else. Although, she has been known to stay in bed and watch "You've Got Mail" a few thousand times.
Right now, she's dealing with my Dad being sick. Dad's been sick for about the last 2 years, and things aren't going to be getting much better for a while. Dad has a liver disease, and he needs a transplant. The amount of pills that dad has to take everyday is astounding. Mom takes Dad to all of his doctors appointments. She recently went to Florida to a conference all about Dad's disease, so she could take better care of him, and learn about his disease. My Dad is still alive, but he's not himself anymore. My Mom and Dad have always had a strong partnership, and suddenly Mom is forced to make all the decisions on her own. My Mom is scared and frustrated. When Dad got sick, one of my biggest worries was how would Mom handle it. I think the strength Mom has shown over the last couple of years has surprised even her. My Mom is one tough cookie. To me, Mom is teaching me through her experience, how you can face the biggest and scariest trials of your life with grace. Mom's not always strong, she has her times that she cries, and asks why. But pulls through day after day.
In my last post, the was a real pity party (sorry, I really didn't notice until I read it today) I was told by some friends in my comments that: there are things that my kids need, and I'm the only one in the world that could give them to my kids. I feel that way about my Mom.
My Mom is not June Cleaver. Our house was never spotless, it had that "lived in look". Browned ground beef, peeled and cubed potatoes, onions and water is not soup and (I think) could be child abuse. The laundry was hardly ever completely caught up. Eating dinner at 7:30 was early. But Mom, to me is perfect the way that she is. She's nutty and hilariously uptight about some things.
My Mom is no June Cleaver, and I am so glad.
I love you Mom!!!!!!!
My Mom's name is Barbara Lynn. She graduated from Kearns High School. She met my dad at a Singles Ward! My parents have been married for 37 years this August. My mom has 4 children. My mom is from a small town. My Mom works for the State, and her job has something to do with teacher certification. My Mom lives by Cottonwood High School. My Mom loves my Dad very, very much. My Mom loves her children very, very much.
That's the basics, now let me tell you about my mom.
My Mom has worked my entire life. She said that after she had me (I'm the oldest) she even had to send me to daycare as a baby because Dad was trying to get through school. This is something that my mom has hated about her life. Mom always wanted to stay home with us, but was never able to. I think that this will be one of my Moms biggest regrets, this makes me sad. I know that my Mom never went to work so we could buy a boat, a bigger house, or a cooler car.
For a long time when I was growing up, my parents worked opposite shifts. Mom would work days, Dad would work nights. So, after work my Mom would race home to pick us up from daycare, and run home to start dinner and homework, she never thought she could help us--she said that she wasn't smart enough--but she is very smart. She smart enough to help us with long division, how to diagram sentences, she knew all the tricks to help us remember dates and people for history. But my Mom is really smart in all the things that matter the most. I know that you must think that I'm painting a picture of happiness and ease where everyone is happy, healthy, clean, and the house is spotless. That's not how it was. There were fights among the kids, and when I got to be about 12 there were fights between me and my Mom. We usually ate dinner about 8:30pm, and allot of the time homework didn't get finished.
For as long as I can remember, Mom's life has been about everyone else. Although, she has been known to stay in bed and watch "You've Got Mail" a few thousand times.
Right now, she's dealing with my Dad being sick. Dad's been sick for about the last 2 years, and things aren't going to be getting much better for a while. Dad has a liver disease, and he needs a transplant. The amount of pills that dad has to take everyday is astounding. Mom takes Dad to all of his doctors appointments. She recently went to Florida to a conference all about Dad's disease, so she could take better care of him, and learn about his disease. My Dad is still alive, but he's not himself anymore. My Mom and Dad have always had a strong partnership, and suddenly Mom is forced to make all the decisions on her own. My Mom is scared and frustrated. When Dad got sick, one of my biggest worries was how would Mom handle it. I think the strength Mom has shown over the last couple of years has surprised even her. My Mom is one tough cookie. To me, Mom is teaching me through her experience, how you can face the biggest and scariest trials of your life with grace. Mom's not always strong, she has her times that she cries, and asks why. But pulls through day after day.
In my last post, the was a real pity party (sorry, I really didn't notice until I read it today) I was told by some friends in my comments that: there are things that my kids need, and I'm the only one in the world that could give them to my kids. I feel that way about my Mom.
My Mom is not June Cleaver. Our house was never spotless, it had that "lived in look". Browned ground beef, peeled and cubed potatoes, onions and water is not soup and (I think) could be child abuse. The laundry was hardly ever completely caught up. Eating dinner at 7:30 was early. But Mom, to me is perfect the way that she is. She's nutty and hilariously uptight about some things.
My Mom is no June Cleaver, and I am so glad.
I love you Mom!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Mothers Day
So, Mothers Day is coming up this Sunday, and I still don't know what to do for my Mom, or Greg's Mom. I'm sure that we'll figure something out by Sunday. Anyway, my Mom has always hated Mothers Day. She hates it so much, she has been known to stay home from church because "...I don't want to go and hear how wonderful everyone else's mothers are. I hate feeling like a failure!" As a kid I started to hate mothers day, because of how my Mom felt about it. As a Mom, I can understand why she hates it so much. I had to speak in church on Mothers Day last year and I said: I don't want this talk to make all the mothers here want to throw themselves into on coming traffic on I-15.
A couple of nights ago, I told Greg that I don't want him or the kids to get me anything for Mothers Day. Greg got mad at me and told me that I do this every year, and he hates it! And it's too late, he already has my gift. I don't really think he understood why I feel this way. Being sick for the last few months, I'm not doing anything that I should be thanked for. I get up and try to help the kids get ready for school, but other than doing Kolbie's hair, they can pretty much take care of themselves. By the time that they get home, I'm feeling so crappy that I'm useless. I can't even drive my kids to their practices and games. Greg makes dinner, does the laundry, and helps with homework. I think that maybe we should buy Greg a gift for Mothers Day since he's being both Dad and Mom lately.
I've never felt like I've been a good Mom. As a kid, I didn't think I wanted children. I hated babysitting, and I have a hard time with other peoples children. Most of the time I just feel uncomfortable around kids. But when I had Chris, I feel in love. I truly love all of my kids. I think that they are amazing. I carry allot of guilt about the kind of Mother I am. I have a friend, that I am so jealous of, she's the kind of Mom that I always hoped I'd be. Everything, and I do mean everything in her life revolves around her kids. I am the most selfish person I know. But I try hard. I think that we are blessed for our attempts as much as our successes. I don't know, maybe all moms feel like they don't measure up.
Anyway, I'm really not looking forward to Mothers Day this year. I don't feel like I deserve a gift this year. I wish we could just forget the whole thing. I recently told my Dad how I felt about Mothers Day. He says that just the fact that I'm here is enough. He said: You talk to your kids, you answer questions, you read with Kolbie, you make sure they do their chores, and your at almost all of their ball games. You don't get up and move around allot, but you sure do cheer loud. That's enough, the kids know that your sick. I know that I'm there for my kids to help them with as much as I can, but is that really enough?
A couple of nights ago, I told Greg that I don't want him or the kids to get me anything for Mothers Day. Greg got mad at me and told me that I do this every year, and he hates it! And it's too late, he already has my gift. I don't really think he understood why I feel this way. Being sick for the last few months, I'm not doing anything that I should be thanked for. I get up and try to help the kids get ready for school, but other than doing Kolbie's hair, they can pretty much take care of themselves. By the time that they get home, I'm feeling so crappy that I'm useless. I can't even drive my kids to their practices and games. Greg makes dinner, does the laundry, and helps with homework. I think that maybe we should buy Greg a gift for Mothers Day since he's being both Dad and Mom lately.
I've never felt like I've been a good Mom. As a kid, I didn't think I wanted children. I hated babysitting, and I have a hard time with other peoples children. Most of the time I just feel uncomfortable around kids. But when I had Chris, I feel in love. I truly love all of my kids. I think that they are amazing. I carry allot of guilt about the kind of Mother I am. I have a friend, that I am so jealous of, she's the kind of Mom that I always hoped I'd be. Everything, and I do mean everything in her life revolves around her kids. I am the most selfish person I know. But I try hard. I think that we are blessed for our attempts as much as our successes. I don't know, maybe all moms feel like they don't measure up.
Anyway, I'm really not looking forward to Mothers Day this year. I don't feel like I deserve a gift this year. I wish we could just forget the whole thing. I recently told my Dad how I felt about Mothers Day. He says that just the fact that I'm here is enough. He said: You talk to your kids, you answer questions, you read with Kolbie, you make sure they do their chores, and your at almost all of their ball games. You don't get up and move around allot, but you sure do cheer loud. That's enough, the kids know that your sick. I know that I'm there for my kids to help them with as much as I can, but is that really enough?
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Kidney Stones
Greg and the kids just left to go to the Zoo, and I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. For those of you who don't know my situation, I've had 3 surgeries in the last two and a half months. Same old stuff: kidney stones. My doctor went in and got as many kidney stones out of my kidney's as possible. He said that he removed between 8-12 stones out of my right kidney, and 6-8 out of my left kidney. The other surgery was for a stone, that got loose and caused a complete blockage in my ureter. All in all, it's been a crappy few months.
Now I'm on disability from work. I am still experiencing SEVERE pain in my back, that sure feels like kidney stone pain. The only problem is, I don't have anything in my kidney that would cause me this much pain. The official diagnosis is that I am experiencing nerve pain. My doctors nurse infomed me that "...nerve pain can be very, very painful." Really? Gee, thanks for the update. I have to be on pain medication which for me, is very scarey. I am going in on Friday to get a nerve block, and I'm terrified!!!
Like I said, the last few months have been really crappy. I can't work. And I really do miss going in to work! I can't clean or do laundry. That sounds much better than it really is. I feel so bad that Greg goes to work all day, everyday, and then has to come home and clean the house and do laundry. I can't drive at all, so I have to beg for rides to get myself where I need to go, but what makes that really bad, is that I can't drive my kids to where they need to be. I feel like such a loser mom because I have to have someone else get my kids to where they need to go. I'm so paranoid that people will think that I'm a bad mom. I really shouldn't care what people think of me. The only places I go are to my doctor appointments, and to sit on my butt and watch my kids play ball (which is the best thing ever!! I love to watch my kids play ball, it's my favorite thing!!!)
But the worst thing is, I'm alone ALL THE TIME!!! The kids get up and go to school, when they come home, they eat something, and then are off to practice, games, or out to play for a few minutes. I don't blame my kids, they want to do kid stuff, but being alone all the time really sucks!! Like today for instance, Greg had to drive me and the girls to their games an hour and a half early, because he had to umpire a ball game, that really wasn't bad at all, because Kolbie and I got to hang out the whole morning. I watched my girls play softball (which I love) Greg and Chris caught the end of Katie's game and all of Kolbie's game. We stopped and got something to eat on the way home. We were going to have a family activity, but the kids wanted to go to Hollywood Connection, but I just don't feel healthy enough to do something like that. So, we were talking about going to see "Horton Hears A Who", but the kids really weren't intrested. Then Greg's Mom calls and invites us to go to the Zoo with her, Greg's sisters and their families. The zoo was something that I definatley couldn't handle, but the kids didn't want to go to the movies, so they decided to go to the Zoo, and I'm home alone, again. I could tell that Greg felt bad. The minute they made the decision to go, I was really down in the dumps. I'm angry, very, very angry, but not at my family or anyone else. I'm angry with this entire situation. I want to be working, driving, having fun with my family.
I really want to not be on these medications anymore. For those of you who don't know, I struggle with an addiction to these kinds of medications. My doctors know, and my family is very supportive, but this really isn't a battle that they can fight for me. I am in pain, severe pain, and for me right now, those pills are necessary, but I feel like I'm "dancing with the devil". I'll talk more about my story at another time, but I'm sure sick of all of this. I'm not asking for anything unusual. I want to go to work, drive, spend time doing things with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, and my friends.
One thing that I have learned is: I've stopped asking why me? So many people tell me that they are so sorry that I have to deal with this, it sounds horrible, they say. And you know what? It is horrible, but I feel lucky. I have kidney stones, not cancer. Right now, my Dad is dealing with a truly awful disease. He's going to need a new liver to get better. The side effects of his medication alone makes me cry. Having kidney stones is terrible. It's painful and scarey. But my kidney are functioning, and chances are, having chronic kidney stones won't kill me. Kidney stones aren't fun, but it could be so much worse.
Now I'm on disability from work. I am still experiencing SEVERE pain in my back, that sure feels like kidney stone pain. The only problem is, I don't have anything in my kidney that would cause me this much pain. The official diagnosis is that I am experiencing nerve pain. My doctors nurse infomed me that "...nerve pain can be very, very painful." Really? Gee, thanks for the update. I have to be on pain medication which for me, is very scarey. I am going in on Friday to get a nerve block, and I'm terrified!!!
Like I said, the last few months have been really crappy. I can't work. And I really do miss going in to work! I can't clean or do laundry. That sounds much better than it really is. I feel so bad that Greg goes to work all day, everyday, and then has to come home and clean the house and do laundry. I can't drive at all, so I have to beg for rides to get myself where I need to go, but what makes that really bad, is that I can't drive my kids to where they need to be. I feel like such a loser mom because I have to have someone else get my kids to where they need to go. I'm so paranoid that people will think that I'm a bad mom. I really shouldn't care what people think of me. The only places I go are to my doctor appointments, and to sit on my butt and watch my kids play ball (which is the best thing ever!! I love to watch my kids play ball, it's my favorite thing!!!)
But the worst thing is, I'm alone ALL THE TIME!!! The kids get up and go to school, when they come home, they eat something, and then are off to practice, games, or out to play for a few minutes. I don't blame my kids, they want to do kid stuff, but being alone all the time really sucks!! Like today for instance, Greg had to drive me and the girls to their games an hour and a half early, because he had to umpire a ball game, that really wasn't bad at all, because Kolbie and I got to hang out the whole morning. I watched my girls play softball (which I love) Greg and Chris caught the end of Katie's game and all of Kolbie's game. We stopped and got something to eat on the way home. We were going to have a family activity, but the kids wanted to go to Hollywood Connection, but I just don't feel healthy enough to do something like that. So, we were talking about going to see "Horton Hears A Who", but the kids really weren't intrested. Then Greg's Mom calls and invites us to go to the Zoo with her, Greg's sisters and their families. The zoo was something that I definatley couldn't handle, but the kids didn't want to go to the movies, so they decided to go to the Zoo, and I'm home alone, again. I could tell that Greg felt bad. The minute they made the decision to go, I was really down in the dumps. I'm angry, very, very angry, but not at my family or anyone else. I'm angry with this entire situation. I want to be working, driving, having fun with my family.
I really want to not be on these medications anymore. For those of you who don't know, I struggle with an addiction to these kinds of medications. My doctors know, and my family is very supportive, but this really isn't a battle that they can fight for me. I am in pain, severe pain, and for me right now, those pills are necessary, but I feel like I'm "dancing with the devil". I'll talk more about my story at another time, but I'm sure sick of all of this. I'm not asking for anything unusual. I want to go to work, drive, spend time doing things with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, and my friends.
One thing that I have learned is: I've stopped asking why me? So many people tell me that they are so sorry that I have to deal with this, it sounds horrible, they say. And you know what? It is horrible, but I feel lucky. I have kidney stones, not cancer. Right now, my Dad is dealing with a truly awful disease. He's going to need a new liver to get better. The side effects of his medication alone makes me cry. Having kidney stones is terrible. It's painful and scarey. But my kidney are functioning, and chances are, having chronic kidney stones won't kill me. Kidney stones aren't fun, but it could be so much worse.
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