"Don't sit on the backrow at a Church Basketball Game"

Last night, my husband was the referree at the Womens Region Finals for our church. It's not nearly as exciting as it sounds. It's heald in a Church, with a handful of spectators. These are my thoughts:

First of all, let me explain, Church sports is something that I really don't care for. In my limited experience, Church Basketball is a brawl that begins and ends with prayer. But I'm told I'm wrong. I'm wrong about many things. Also, these games are held in what's called "The Cultural Hall" aka: a gym. Why do we call it a "Cultural Hall"? When I walk into a large room that has a shiny hardwood floor that has the lines painted on it to make it look like a basketball court, and the room has a basketball hoop at each end, IT'S A GYM! Or a basketball court, NOT A CULTURAL HALL!!!

As I sat at this game, I watched the spectators, and let me tell you, if you want a good laugh, go watch a Womens Church Basketball Game. First, the parents. I don't know why parents would feel it necessary to go and watch their grown daughter play in a church ball game. I really don't. The game itself is about as much fun as watching paint dry. The thing that is so intresting about watching the parents, is how they react to calls name by the refs. At one point at the end of the game, the losing team started to foul the winning team. I'm told that doing this gives the losing team a chance to get the ball back, and score more points. Okay I understand that IF IT WERE THE NBA, not church basketball. And the losing team was down by 19 points!! Did they really think that were going to make that up in a minute and a half? Anyway, a foul was called, (it was not a shooting foul), and the mother of the (adult) player shouted "...SHE SHOULD GET FREE THROWS!!! THAT WAS INTENTIONAL!!!" Really? I don't even like basketball, but I understood the call. Now you must understand, this was not a high school or college game, or even a game of consequence (it seemed to me). I laughed at the mother.

The next thing I found hilarious were the husbands of the players. They all turned into the coach. This is some of what I heard:

"NO DON'T THROW IT IN TO HER!!"
"WHY ARE YOU GUARDING HER?!?"
"RUN HARDER!! IF YOU DON'T YOU'LL LOSE!!!"
"SHE'S OPEN DOWN LOW!!!"
"HEY REF -- ARE YOU BLIND? DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT FOUL?"
"DRIVE HARD TO THE BASKET!!!" --that was my favorite because the lady that had the ball appeared to be in her sixties!!!

It seem to me that these men were playing an evolved version of "Mine is Bigger than Yours". But hey -- this is church basketball -- our eternal salvation hangs in the balance.

But what made this experience truly awful were the children. We sat on the back row. I wasn't there to watch the game, I figured we'd leave the good seats to those who cared. I should get brownie points somewhere for that great sacrifice. And it was a sacrifice. Because as most of you know, Mormons are notorious for having big families, and where do you think all those kids were? Back with me and my family. They paraded between our seats and the huge acordian door behind us, bumping our chairs. One kid decided to make his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtel action figure jump all over me -- from my head, to my feet, to my arms, to my legs -- I think you get the picture. One kid hit Katie several times.

Now you have to remember: Mom's playing basketball, Dad's coaching, and Grandma is screaming at the refs. So I ask who is changing the diapers? NOBODY THAT'S WHO!!! So the reason you never want to sit in the back row of a church basketball game is:

1-You get to watch otherwise perfectly normal men think they can coach like Coach K.
2-All of a sudden a mother who doesn't know a 3-second violation from the 3-point line become an expert in the rules of basketball.
and...
3-If you sit on the back row you turn into:
a: a personal jungle gym
b: a personal punching bag
c: a playground for action figures
d: YOUR STUCK WITH THE STENCH OF DIRTY DIAPERS BECAUSE DAD AND GRANDMA ARE TOO CAUGHT UP IN A GAME THAT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I the only one that thinks that this is plain silly? Leave the church sports to the youth. It's something they really care about. I've known more than one person that eventually converts to the church because he made friends playing basketball. I think watching that ball game last night would send anyone investigating the church run screaming from the building. I can get alot more excited about watching the youth play ball, than end up babysitting a bunch of kids I don't know because their parents are too busy making fools of themselves.