Kolbie!!! What am I going to do with you?

Well, Sacrament Meeting is almost over, and here I sit at my computer blogging. I am so FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!

Last night we went and saw The Forgotten Carols, and it got me thinking. I'm not doing enough. I've written in the past that I've been having a hard time with "the church" but not with "the gospel". I don't really know if that's true anymore. How can I not be struggling with the gospel when I can't even stand to be at church for 3 hours a week? That just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I've also decided that I'm be very, very, very selfish. My family, really wants and needs me to be with them at church. Katie is the only one who has come out and said anything, but I can see the look in Greg's eyes when he asks me if I'm going to church and I tell him no. I ask myself all the time: Why is something so simple so difficult? And to be honest, I don't really know. No, that's not really true either. I am so self-conscience of my past. I feel judged because of my past, but mostly I feel embarrassed. I've made such an ass of myself. I also feel now, that I've been too judgemental of the people around me. I've been so quick to say that people don't know my pain, or where I'm coming from. Maybe they don't, but maybe they try. That should be enough for me. I really don't know where they're coming from either, so why should I judge?

I remember a time that I felt the spirit so strongly, frequently. I miss those days. Life sure was more simple then. I ask myself why I don't feel the spirit much anymore, and I have to be honest, I haven't been trying. I've become lazy, and selfish. The qualities that I'm so quick to point out in other people. This just feels so complicated.

Anyway, after last night, I decided to make a real effort to become better. The thing that really got me was when one character told another that sometimes the veil can be very, very thin. The first thing I thought was: I'm sure doing all I can to make the veil a brick wall. So I decided to become better, to make a better effort. So, I got up this morning in plenty of time to get myself ready for church. In fact, Greg didn't have to "remind" me once what time it was, and I tried not to complain about how I looked (an excuse I've used in the past is that I don't look very good, I'm not going to go), the kids were up and showered. I even went to church with a sore throat and feel achey. We were even early.

Sidebar: I think the bishop about had a heart attack when he saw me walk into the Chapel early. But that's neither here nor there.

So, you may ask: Why am I home from church early? Why, if I've turned over a new leaf am I sitting at home blogging instead of sitting at church trying to learn? Well, my youngest child is why. God knows I love this child, but she can defiantly be a trial. We were out late last night, and had to be up early for church today. That's a lethal mixture for my youngest. She decided to start fighting and causing a ruckus during Fast and Testimony meeting. So I took her out. Made her sit in the foyer with her arms folded and wouldn't let her say a word.

Sidebar: My Mother always taught me that it was best to make life more difficult for an unruly child while out in the foyer. It teaches them that it's better to be in Sacrament Meeting. Well Mom, that easier said than done!!!

Well, I'm sitting with Kolbie in the foyer trying to look stern and mean, and the next thing I know, Kolbie has gotten up and bolted. She opened the door and started running from the building yelling: "IT'S MY LIFE!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I have to admit, this did make me laugh a bit, but I couldn't let her see that! I couldn't run after her, that would only be what she wanted and I was wearing my high heal black boots, I didn't want to break my ankle. That would really leave an impression with everyone at church. Well, Kolbie finally decides to stop running and sit down. I catch up to her and she starts running the other direction. I catch up to her again, and this time she knew she was in trouble with a capital T!!! So I grabbed her by the wrist and wouldn't let go. She started really freaking out at this point.

So what did I do? Unfortunately, I went in and got my things and the car keys from Greg and came home. Kolbie is now in her room and she won't watch TV, listen to the radio or ipod, or play on the computer today. And she's not going to go out to play for at least week!!! I love this child with all my heart and soul, but she really try my patience!!!!!!! I have to say of all my children, she has come with the most drama (beginning before she was even born--that's a long story that I won't bore you with now) but I KNOW that Kolbie was sent to our family to cement us together. She may bring drama, but she also brings hugs, kisses, smiles, and lots and lots of love.

One good thing about the gospel (and the church) is you can always try again tomorrow. That's what I'm going to do!!!