Memories and Questions

Some experiences in life can really take you back and make you think. I've had a couple of those today.

Today I had to opportunity to look back to a time in my life I'd rather forget, but I'm kind of glad that I don't. One thing I've learned over the years is that God forgives and forgets, but we aren't supposed to. Meaning that some lessons aren't meant to be forgotten. Sometimes we need to remember how miserable we were, so we can say: I chose to not do that again.

Forgiving myself is my greatest sin. I can seem to give most people a break but I can never seem to forgive myself. As my mothers says: I am my own worst critic. My best never seems good enough, and when I fall I fall further and harder than anyone else. I also can be a bit dramatic (can you tell?).

Another thing I've learned is that we are not only our worst decisions. I'm a an addict, but that's not all that I am. I will not be defined by my worst moments. I am more than just my bad decisions. My bad decisions will always be a part of who I am, but they are not all that I am. I am better than my worst moments.

I was reading in ESPN The Magazine about Josh Hamilton (one of my personal hero's). He's a drug addict that was banned from baseball, was reinstated and has made all kinds of history (see: Homerun Derby 2008).

"And then he was interviewed by ESPN's Erin Andrews, and as he spoke with her -- about God, being saved, about the heights that can be reached even from life's lowest watermarks..."

After reading this quote, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Can heights be reached from life's lowest watermarks? What does that mean? It means that we need to learn. I learn most of my lessons the hard way, but I'm trying to catch on as fast as I can.

Another thing I've learned is that the more we think we're different, the more we're all the same. I have a problem with addiction, what's your problem? We all have one. No one should sit in judgement of others because we all struggle.

Tonight I went to Relief Society Enrichment Night and we talked about the Parable of the 10 Virgins. The Bishop made a comment at the end that it's hard to believe that Christ would leave some of us behind, but that's what will happen if we're not prepared. At first this upset me, then depressed me, but now has gotten me thinking (I don't know if that's a good thing). I'd hate to think that I would be left behind, but what are my choices bringing me? Where exactly am I going? Am I headed in the right direction? Am I going to have enough oil in my lamp? It seems I have more questions than answers these days but I keep looking. I don't think that these questions are bad, they just take time to answer. I've been "in the church" my whole life, you would think I'd have some of this figured out by now, but like I said, I tend to learn things the hard way.