Hug Your Kids

Today, I've been online looking at the obituary page of the Salt Lake Tribune. I'm sure many of you heard about the double murder in Salt Lake this past Monday. Well, I'm sad to say that I know the family of one of the murder victims.

I don't know that family well, but my heart is breaking for them. I knew them from the ward I grew up in. Nice family. Michael was adopted, and I remember when they got him. I thought he was the cutest baby I'd ever seen.

Thinking about this tragedy makes me very grateful that my kids were safe in their beds last night. The only thing that I can think of that would be worse than having your child murdered is having them taken and not knowing if they're okay. I keep thinking of Michael's parents and how difficult this must be for them. I can't imagine getting that phone call.

So today do me a favor, hug your kids twice as long, and tell them how much you love them. Also, in your prayers tonight please ask that this family will be okay, they need all the love and support they can get right now. Also, thank God for your children.

Time To Lead

Today at work, my boss Trish sat down and talked to me about what I need to do with the Logistics team. She talked to me about what I need to do to show the team that I'm in charge, and I'm the one they will have to answer to. The entire conversation made me feel uncomfortable. I worked at the Jordan Landing store before I got promoted, now I'm back and there are members of the team that were my friends (and some that weren't) I haven't talked to these people in almost a year, but I'm very nervous about being "in charge". There is one woman that I did not get along with before my promotion, and I'm a little nervous that she's going to give me a lot of grief.

As I think back to my conversation with Trish, I think she felt that she needed to give me permission to be in charge. Her exact words were: "You need to be large and in charge." She said that being a leader is part skill, part knowledge, and putting on the "jacket" and just being a leader. I'd never heard of being a leader put like that. I guess it's just time I quit worrying about people liking me and just went to work. I know that I can do this job, I just need to stop thinking so much and get to work.

Side note: Trish did ask me how my pain was. I told her that it's still there, but I'm doing okay. She told me that she supported me, but she has high expectations for what I can do. I told her that I didn't want to be defined by my health issues. She said she understood, but didn't want me to over do it either. I really like Trish, she's the best boss I've ever had. She's really smart, funny, and has great style. She also makes me laugh. I wish I was more like her.

I Am So Tired!!!!!

I know that I sound like a baby, but I am so tired! I've gone back to work this week -- I only worked 20 hours -- but I'm totally exhausted. I've forgotten how much work it takes to make one of those stores run.

Yesterday, I worked with the shipment team for the first time and I had a good time. There are some new faces, but some old friends too. My main job is going to be supervizing the shipment team with my friend Cleber. He's an intresting guy, and keeps me laughing most of the time. Anyway, it's going to be my job to make sure that we get everything done on time, and that the store looks like it's supposed to look. I know that sounds pretty simple, but corporate has very high expectations of what each store should look like.

I've said before that my job isn't very glamours or meaningful, but I have fun when I'm there. Old Navy has also given me a chance to set goals and achieve things I never thought I'd be able to do. I never thought that I would "be" much of anything away from my family, I didn't really think I had what it takes to achieve much in the workforce so I never really set my sights very high. I know that this must sound really stupid to most people, but I really enjoy what I do.

I am having a hard time right now. The first few weeks in a new store is always hard. Every store is a little different, you have to learn how things work and get to know new people. My General Manager, Trish is someone I respect a lot and I want to show her that I can be successful. I think right now my biggest problem is confidence and feeling overwhelmed. I know that I can do this job, but I just haven't gotten into the groove yet.

Believe it or not I think my family is happier (most of the time) when I'm working. I know that it takes a ton of pressure off of Greg financially. And the kids seem to really like me working. I think they like to have me home too, but I just tend to be a happier person if I can get out of my house for a little while. And the kids love the clothes. Kate and Kolbie even ask to go and see "my store" and meet my "work friends". Part of me feels bad that I'm not the "happy homemaker" that so many of us women strive to be, but Im happier when I work and so is my family. Things aren't perfect, working does make life more complicated. Trying to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there is a challenge. Greg is so great about helping with as much as he can. When Greg finally realized how much I enjoy my job, I haven't felt like he thinks his job is more important than mine. He's even had to call in once or twice when we had sick kids. Greg's support means so much to me.

I have to weekend off but I'm planning of going and helping my parents get ready to move so it will be a tiring weekend, but I plan to relax on Sunday. Monday is going to be difficult there is so much to do. We're re-training the entire shipment team (to prepare for the holiday season), we have a decent sized shipment, we have to move half of the store around, and finish about a million other things. I'm only working 4 days next week, so hopefully I won't be too tired.

I've Been Tagged (AGAIN)

8 Things I'm Passionate About:

1. The Gospel
2. Greg
3. Chris
4. Kate
5. Kolbie
6. Spending time with my family!
7. Cross-Stitch
8. Work

8 Phrases or Words I Always Use:

1. Stop fighting!
2. Turn off the lights!
3. I love you!
4. Apologize like you mean it.
5. I need a hug!
6. We're going to be late!
7. No, I'm not buying fast food for dinner!
8. Time for bed!

8 Things I want to do before I die:

1. Be with Greg and all my kids in the Temple.
2. Run a marathon.
3. Write a book.
4. Be a size 8.
5. See the World Series in person.
6. Decorate my home.
7. Be debt free.
8. To be healthy.

8 Things I've learned in the past

1. How to be a good friend.
2. That I can achieve my goals if I work hard.
3. That I'm funny.
4. I can trust people.
5. How to keep score of a baseball game.
6. How to play fantasy baseball and football.
7. To be a sports fan.
8. I'm stronger than I thought I was.

8 Things I want or need:

1. New clothes.
2. Furniture.
3. A cleaning lady to come and clean my house every week.
4. A remodeled kitchen.
5. Gas prices to go back down.
6. New clothes for my kids.
7. Groceries.
8. A vacation!

8 Places I want to see:

1. Mount Rushmore
2. New York City
3. The Baseball Hall Of Fame
4. Disneyland
5. Alaska
6. Brazil (where Greg served his mission)
7. Hawaii
8. All of Europe

Livin The Dream

16 years ago this month Greg and I got engaged. It's official: I'M OLD! But being old does have it's advantages. Like being able to look back at you life a little. Honestly, this is something I find myself doing a lot since my kids have decided to grow at warp speed.

So anyway, I've been looking back. I started thinking about the things that I wanted when Greg and I were dating.

First, I wanted a husband that loves me. I got even better than that! I have a husband that loves AND adores me. He tries to act all macho about things, but Greg has picked me up off the floor when things have been down, and let me shine when things are up. I am truly blessed to have him. I love him so much.

Second, I wanted children. I wanted smart, happy, loving children. I lucked out there too: because I got smart, happy, loving, beautiful, caring children. My only real complaint is that I wish they would stop growing so fast.

Third, I wanted a home. Well, we have a home. It's not my dream home, but it's ours. The kitchen is too small and it's a little torn up right now, but it's home.

Forth, I wanted a career. Basically I wanted something that I'm good at that will work with my family, and again I've been blessed more than I deserve.

I was talking to a friend today and it really hit me. I'm living my dream. Is it perfect? No. Most days it's not even pretty!!! The checking account is always too low, and the bills are always too high, but I've been blessed. The blue Mercedes that I wanted to drive when I 18 suddenly isn't as important anymore. It's funny how life can feel so complicated and then so simple. I've been blessed. I have a happy life. Sometimes life does throw me that curve ball, or even a change-up but I do what we tell Chris to do when he's playing ball: SEE IT, AND ADJUST!

Hi-HoHi-Ho--Off To Work I Go

Well, today is the big day. And I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm so nervous I'm shaking! I feel like I'm going to the most important job interview of my life! I've started reading Dr. Stephen Covey, and listening to his seminars on tape. In short: I'm going insane! I just called my sister and we had the "what if this" and "what if that" conversation. She said "What if you go into your meetings and things are just fine." I wish that I could say that my day if going to be filled with customers, replenishment, working on markdowns, folding t-shirts and jeans, but unfortunatley I'm going to spend the day in meetings. What fun. I'm still really jittery and I don't know if it's because I'm still have a bad reaction to my meds, or I might just be nervous.

Who knows?

I'm Scared

****Warning -- this post is more personal than usual.****

It's twenty after six in the morning and the meds I take to help me sleep have worn off, and I probably couldn't go back to sleep if someone paid me. My eyes just popped open. My legs are aching and feeling like they are going to fly away because of medication that I reacted badly too. And I start going back to work tomorrow.

Going back to work is something that I've been excited about and dreading for the last few weeks. I wrote before about my insecurities with the promotion I got earlier. Upon gathering more information, my entire job has changed. Now I don't work on the shipment anymore (so there goes one of my ideas of working my way back in because I'm really fast). My title was Logistics Supervisor, now it's Operations Manager. It will sound better on a Resume`, I just hope I don't have to use one. The worst part of this situation is there is one person who used to work at Old Navy, I worked with her for about a week before she quit, who is back and not saying very nice things about me. So my new General Manager is hearing all this stuff about me, and I don't even think he remembers my last name. This all makes me very nervous.

I also had so many plans to get things done around the house before I went back. I was going to have the laundry all finish, socks folded, ironing and everything done. Not done. I was going to have the rest of the house clean and ready to go, the bathroom did get clean, but last nights dinner is still in the kitchen. I know, it's gross. I think I've been trying to not think about work by not doing the things I know that I should to make life easier when I go back. I need therapy, lots and lots of therapy.

I think for you to understand why I feel so deeply about my job I should tell you about my life when I got hired. I got the phone call to offer me the job of Logoistics Associate while camping with my family down in San Pete County, so we could go to the Manti Pagent. It was a trip to celebrate the end of baseball, and the end of a relapse for me. I have a drug problem, and this job helped me find something that I was good at when I didn't think there was anything left for me. I loved this job from the moment I started, and it's helped me with so much. Literally, when I need to clear my head to think, I could go to work and feel better. When I was at a point in my life where I thought no one would ever want to be my friend, I found friends. For those of you who worry, no I haven't relapsed but the last few weeks have been really hard. I've been trying to get off my pills, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons I feel as crappy as I do. I just don't feel like myself.

I guess my biggest fear, is what if all those things have changed? What if work isn't a haven for me but a war? What if I don't feel like I'm being successful? Greg just tells me walk into work like you've never been gone, stop thinking so much and just do what you know how to do. That sounds like a simple enough plan right? Maybe work turned into something it shouldn't for me, and I should just let it be work, but I love that place. I just hope that it still loves me back. I want to be an asset to my store, and co-workers, that's the goal. I just don't know if I can get past my fear.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my old General Manager, my new General Manager, the Distric Manager and little old me. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

Cheering Section

Today, Chris ran in a Cross-Country track meet. I am so proud of him, I could just explode.

My Dad and I got there just as things Chris' heat was starting. I'd never been to a track meet before, so it took me a minute to figure things out. I found Chris right away and watched him run. I took off and ran to different parts of the course so Chris could see that I was there and he could hear me cheer for him.

Chris isn't a runner by nature, but he did such a great job! He took 68th out of
74. He didn't give up and that, to me is so much more important than taking first place.

The one thing that I did notic was that when Chris saw me, my father and sister-in-law, Greg and my dad he did perk up and did better. I guess the main thing I learned from this experience was:

1. Don't give up.

and

2. Every kid needs a cheering section.

My favorite thing in the world to do is to watch my kids do something that they love and work hard for. And trust me, Chris worked hard for this track meet. I don't think I've ever been so proud of him. I've watched Chris compete in many different sports, but this one was different. He was on his own, he wasn't part of a team. He did great and I'm so proud of him!

I can't wait to cheer for him again!

Adventures In Reading

Tonight Kolbie and I were reading Ramona The Pest ,we were on the bottom bunk reading and Katie was on the top bunk doing her reading. Kolbie got stuck on the word Beezus (the nickname of Ramona's older sister Beatrice). And Kolbie said:

"Beezus? It sounds kind of like Jesus!! Funny!!!"

Then we heard from the top bunk:

"Mom, I think Kolbie is related the Ramona. She's a pest too!"

This made me laugh hysterically. Kolbie can be funniest kid I know. Getting Kolbie to read can be very difficult. In fact, the only way that I can get her to read without a fight is if we take turns. She reads one page, I read on page. The thing that I love the most about reading with Kolbie is just the time I spend with her. Kolbie is a cuddler, and she loves to cuddle and read.

After reading Jenny's blog about Michelle reading it really got me to thinking about Kolbie and her struggles with reading. Her teacher last year told her that if she didn't start reading better then she would fail the 2nd grade. Who tells a 7 year old that? I never really appreciated how much the traumatized Kolbie until this year. She told me that she doesn't want to hear her teacher tell her she's going to fail again. As terrible as it was for her to hear, it lit a fire under her to do better. So it's not all bad. Looking back, I wish I would have stood up to her teacher a little more. Who tells a second grader that they're going to fail at least like that?

That's all for today.

By the way, did you know that when you call Dominos to order pizza, you call a call center? FYI...

American Entertainment Reaches New Low

My family watches TV on Sundays. We probably shouldn't, but we do. Why? Because football is on Sundays. Greg and I were watching a game today on Fox and they started advertising for a new show call Hole In The Wall. It's a game show. A really stupid game show. The idea of this show is a wall made of styrofoam with shapes punched out of it moves toward the contestants. The contestants make the shape that's in the wall without falling into a pool of water or making a bigger hole. Who ever thought this up came from the shallow end of the gene pool. One of the contestants said that the greatest acheievement of their life was laying on a couch watching TV for 80 straight hours! What an achievement. Did that include bathroom breaks?

I know that American entertainment has really hitting the bottom of the barrel but this is terrible. My family does watch Wipe-Out every Tuesday night and we laugh the entire time, but that's the point of a show like that. I still don't really know what the meaning of Hole In The Wall is. Things have gotten so bad on TV that people will do almost anything to win money. The worst part of this show (other than the terrible outfits that the contestants wear) is that there are 2 hosts. One man and one woman. The man stands up just before the wall starts moving and shouts: Prepare for the Hole!! The job of the woman is to stand there in a really short skirt, flip her hair, smile, flirt with the losers on the show and be very, very, very annoying.

TV has gotten so bad that I generally watch movies now. I don't know what I'd watch without our Netflix subscription. TV has gotten so pointless. I really don't want to watch people acting like fools for money. But I guess that's what TV has always been about.

I remember listening to a John Bytheway talk about TV. He encouraged people to not watch TV for 30 days and see what happened. I don't know if I could do it, I love watching sports too much. Could you stop watching TV for 30 days?

Going Back to Work

Today I drove (all by myself) to my doctors office to pick up a note that my boss asked for. Then I went into work for the first time since March. My official return to work date is September 14th. I'm so nervous every time I think about it I want to throw up.

Since going on disability (I was forced to by my previous General Manager) they have changed my General Manager. I've never worked with Bobby before (for any extended period of time). He seemed pleased that I brought in what he asked for, so I asked him how I thought everyone would take my coming back. FYI: My official title is Logistics Supervisor. He said that he didn't really know how everyone would take me coming back. He said that he's heard some negative things, but promised not to make any judgements about me until I've come back to work. That's fair, but it also puts a ton of pressure on me to perform well.

When I got my promotion last November I felt like I'd hit the jackpot, AND won the lottery. I'm still surprised that I have this position. Don't get me wrong, I've worked my ass off (sorry) to get that job, but I don't know if I really deserve it. And I don't know if I can be successful. Greg tells me that "...of course you can be successful, just stop thinking so much." Thanks my darling husband, but that doesn't make me feel much better.

I guess my game plan is to focus on my strengths. Which have always been, Markdowns (not my favorite thing), make sure signage is correct, upstock, and speed, speed, and speed. Maybe if I focus on those 4 things I just might make it. The weird thing is, before I got this promotion, I felt very, very confident in what I do. I just wish I could feel that way again, and quick!!!!!!!!!

I know that my job isn't very glamours, I don't teach children, care for the sick, or read to the blind, but I love my job! Even if it's just helping run and Old Navy. I know it's just T-shirts and flip-flops, but I love every last t-shirt and every pair of flip-flops.

Pray for me, I could use all the help I can get!

Our Bright Future

Over the last week or so Kolbie has shown an amazing amount of intrest in stories about our wedding. I don't know why, but she asks me every night, "Mom, come and tell me stories about when you and Dad got married."

On Sunday I was laying down in my room and Kolbie walked in and saw my closet open. She pulled out my Temple Dress and asked if that was the dress I got married in. When I told her no, she asked if I still had my dress. When I told her I did, she started begging me to get it out so she could "... really look at it!" I couldn't resist! When I got it out I had to let her try it on, and as you can see she looked so beautiful! And then of course I had to let Katie try it on too. I think that Kate and Kolbie are the two most beautiful girls on the planet, but they looked even more amazing in my beautiful dress. Kolbie even asked if she could wear my dress for Halloween. When I told her no, she asked if she could wear it when she got married. This made me laugh because chances are she'll change her mind about that one.

With Kolbie asking so many questions about my wedding, it's forced me to take some trips down Memory Lane. As I look back, I have a list of thing that I'd do different, but honestly the day I got married was one of the 4 happiest days of my life (the other 3 were when the kids were born). I remember being so happy, and honestley I still am. Greg and I have had our rough times, and we still argue about stupid things that don't matter, but I love Greg more than I ever thought I could. We've been together for over 16 years now, and I'm still so happy. When I look back at our rough times it proves to me how much Greg loves me and how committed he is to me and our children.

Seeing my girls with my wedding dress on made me feel so excited for our future. The teenage years still freak me out a bit (I'm way too young to be the mother of a teenager, right?) but our future is bright. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road and a couple of detours, but I'm excited about our future.

Won't these two make beautiful brides one day?