I'm Scared

****Warning -- this post is more personal than usual.****

It's twenty after six in the morning and the meds I take to help me sleep have worn off, and I probably couldn't go back to sleep if someone paid me. My eyes just popped open. My legs are aching and feeling like they are going to fly away because of medication that I reacted badly too. And I start going back to work tomorrow.

Going back to work is something that I've been excited about and dreading for the last few weeks. I wrote before about my insecurities with the promotion I got earlier. Upon gathering more information, my entire job has changed. Now I don't work on the shipment anymore (so there goes one of my ideas of working my way back in because I'm really fast). My title was Logistics Supervisor, now it's Operations Manager. It will sound better on a Resume`, I just hope I don't have to use one. The worst part of this situation is there is one person who used to work at Old Navy, I worked with her for about a week before she quit, who is back and not saying very nice things about me. So my new General Manager is hearing all this stuff about me, and I don't even think he remembers my last name. This all makes me very nervous.

I also had so many plans to get things done around the house before I went back. I was going to have the laundry all finish, socks folded, ironing and everything done. Not done. I was going to have the rest of the house clean and ready to go, the bathroom did get clean, but last nights dinner is still in the kitchen. I know, it's gross. I think I've been trying to not think about work by not doing the things I know that I should to make life easier when I go back. I need therapy, lots and lots of therapy.

I think for you to understand why I feel so deeply about my job I should tell you about my life when I got hired. I got the phone call to offer me the job of Logoistics Associate while camping with my family down in San Pete County, so we could go to the Manti Pagent. It was a trip to celebrate the end of baseball, and the end of a relapse for me. I have a drug problem, and this job helped me find something that I was good at when I didn't think there was anything left for me. I loved this job from the moment I started, and it's helped me with so much. Literally, when I need to clear my head to think, I could go to work and feel better. When I was at a point in my life where I thought no one would ever want to be my friend, I found friends. For those of you who worry, no I haven't relapsed but the last few weeks have been really hard. I've been trying to get off my pills, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons I feel as crappy as I do. I just don't feel like myself.

I guess my biggest fear, is what if all those things have changed? What if work isn't a haven for me but a war? What if I don't feel like I'm being successful? Greg just tells me walk into work like you've never been gone, stop thinking so much and just do what you know how to do. That sounds like a simple enough plan right? Maybe work turned into something it shouldn't for me, and I should just let it be work, but I love that place. I just hope that it still loves me back. I want to be an asset to my store, and co-workers, that's the goal. I just don't know if I can get past my fear.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my old General Manager, my new General Manager, the Distric Manager and little old me. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!